Announcing New Event: Extinguish Phoenix
"Because Under the Fire, Phoenix is Still Just a Stupid Bird"
Our hearts sink every time we watch failed events like Ignite Phoenix sell out in less than half an hour, or TEDxPhoenix fill a huge venue with an enthusiastic crowd. It would be tempting to think that such things happen because the community enjoys them and gets something out of them, but we know that can't be the case, because everything in Phoenix sucks. (They're not really in Phoenix anyway, which includes only the city center. But everything in the valley sucks, too, so the rule still applies.)
Why on earth would anybody want to hear people speak about diverse topics that they're passionate about? Ridiculous! Why focus on the flames when you can wallow around in the ashes?
We hate events like these, and would never be caught dead at one (unless you guys want us to speak at the next one, in which case ♥♥♥ call us, okay?) so we decided to combine our favorite two activities, complaining about stuff and drawing attention to ourselves, and launch an event of our own.
It's common knowledge that the best way to improve something is to continuously berate and insult it. Despite the claims of bleeding-heart hippie liberals, we know this technique is effective in everything from spousal relations, to child rearing, to corporate management. Extinguish Phoenix will promote this simple truth with a series of presentations by members of the local community who know as well as we do that Phoenix is a completely hopeless, futureless, cultureless trainwreck.
Submissions are being accepted, starting immediately! Entries can use the following topic templates for inspiration:
- "Top Ten Reasons Why I Hate [local event, person, or place]"
- "Why [local company] Should Move to [city other than Phoenix]"
- "[local event] is a Failure Because [any reason]"
- "Phoenix Needs [something you like but aren't willing to help with]"
- "Fail Rail: Light Rail Sucks Because [any reason]"
We already have some great early entries:
- "Tough Love: Convincing Others That You Support Them While You Insult Them to Their Faces"
- "Saying 'Good Job' is for Pussies"
- "Why I Continue Living in Phoenix Even Though Every Other City is Better"
- "Brutal Honesty: Because Manners, Respect, and Basic Social Skills are for Wimps"
- "Give It Up: Tempe Will Never Be Like Austin"
- "I Hate the Weather Here"
- "How to Hide Desperate Insecurity Behind a Non-Stop Flow of Venom"
Half-way through the presentations, we'll have a special Extinguish Ego-Strokey in which speakers will compete live to see who can increase their Twitter follower count the most in a 5-minute "rap battle"-style insult throwdown, carried out entirely through tweets!
However, since there's no culture in Phoenix and definitely no music scene, there will be no music outside during intermission.
We will also have a short panel session at the end for speakers to discuss the ways that they're working to fix the problems in Phoenix. So far, though, we have had no speakers sign up for this. We may cancel this portion due to lack of interest.
Event Details
Ticket Price: Free, because any non-free ticket price sucks and is a rip-off
Date: on the same day as another event you want to attend
Time: inconvenient for you to get to after work
Location: way too far away, what the hell are we thinking?
Disclaimer: I would hope it's obvious that this entire post is a work of satire. If you don't live in Phoenix, you probably didn't get the joke anyway. Sorry.
